In this blog I'm going to tell you a little about what it's been like being sick but mostly about the fact that I have, by far, the best friends and family anyone could ever have. I actually feel kinda sorry for everyone else. :)
My next entry I'll talk about what my treatment will be and tell you about recovery, maybe I can joke about it a little then.
Halfway through my hospital stay in Brampton I was laying in bed after 2 days without tests and still no idea what was wrong. I felt fine (of course I was getting drugs right to the vein.) So I asked the doctor if I could leave, any other tests I could come in for. Being a good caring doctor he set up a test for the next day then let me go. I was happy to be home for the night and to have my own bed. The next morning my friend Brooke came (way out of her way) to take me to get my test. When I got home, I threw up. Later that night my husband, who has never had to care for anyone in his life, and me who doesn't like to ask for help, sat home. He went up to get food and then he ate. He didn't get me anything. I was so weak and by the time I finished cooking I was too sick to eat. Within a day and a half I was back in the hospital, weak and unable to hold anything down. This time I had a doctor come and say I'm going to get some answers. So he took my bone marrow. We of course already know what that turned up. But that's not what entry is for.
You see, I have amazing people in my life. People who would never admit to doing anything great but always did. Betty Walling took me home with her when I left the hospital. She cooked for me did my laundry made sure I could get up, and started walking with me when I could and helped me in and out of bed when my spleen and shoulder hurt so bad I could barely move. She constantly drove me to and from the hospital and even after I left her house did more than I could ever repay.
Brooke became like a sister, she was there to talk to and she took me to church. I never felt alone with her around.
Karla, sat with me at the hospital. Just like my mom would've, didn't care if I wanted to sleep or if I wanted to talk. She would work on making her beautiful blankets and just be there. Between Betty, Brooke and Karla I was never alone at the hospital even when my in laws and husband were at work.
There was also Ekam, who always sent me uplifting thoughts, quotes and scriptures and forever kept a smile on my face.
Before any of this happened though I had sister missionaries who brought back my spirit and reminded me how great the LDS church is and reminded me of why I pray. Then of course my constant family member, who has never left my side and helps me every step of the way, my father in heaven. I'm so lucky I grew up in a family where faith and religion was important and I'm so happy for the examples of my family and friends. So for all those sister missionaries who gave up two years of their life ... thank you.
I'm forever grateful for my in laws. Who NEVER made me feel like I didn't belong. Who helped me when I got sick instead of making me feel like a burden. My mom who I miss so much was always so kind to me and helped me. My dad who gave me his pain pills when I ran out and who always made me laugh. My nan and pop and all my aunts and uncles even my very quiet brother in law, I love and miss very much.
Then I came home to my family and friends in Utah. My friends have all made me feel loved and supported. Jessica (is home on vacation too) so I got to see her when I needed her. KD who has been through so much herself told me even she use to cry and made me feel a little less studpid. Sometimes I can't help it. I'm so sick of being sick. I know there are people who have it worse, but this is sometimes more than I think I can take. I throw up too much and I'm so tired all the time. In fact, I'm getting blood right now cause I'm low again. My friends text me often to see how I am. Take me to lunch, and spend time listening to me complain.
Cathy made me soup and I honestly think she should stay in Utah and just be my nurse for the next few months instead of taking that amazing job in AZ.
My parents, what can I say? They don't complain about cooking for me or cleaning for me or doing my laundry. They've never complained about having to drive me to the hospital. The only thing they ever do is tell me they love me and they're glad I'm home.
I have 4 siblings. One of them will quite possibly save my life. All of them are standing in line though. Not thinking about their work or their own stuff... they've all been tested to see if they're a match for my bone marrow. This is something I can't repay and thank you doesn't seem enough.
That leaves my husband. My best friend in the whole world, the one who when he says, "it'll be alright." I believe. He gets me water with lots of ice when he sees I don't have it. He never complains about being asked to do something. He's helped me off the bathroom floor when the shower took all my energy and he's been there with me through all of this. He's even moving to the states to be with me. He's taught me to ask for help because he's always been happy to help. He's even learned to be a better caregiver than I think I could be.
I love him. All the way to the moon, and back. I miss him so much right now. He is the reason I try. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me and he also why I feel so sorry for every other woman in the world because there is only 1 Matt.
Today I also found out that my medicaid has been approved. Even though that is good news and the doctors will be happy, I don't feel relief. I'm now afraid of how sick I will become when the treatment starts. I have to tell myself that people get through this, so can I. Being sick for a year isn't the worst thing that can happen to me (although it feels like it).
So, leaving you with a quote again:
"Happiness doesn't come from external circumstances. It comes from the inside -regardless of what is happening around us."
~Dieter F. Uchtdorf
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