some news.

Well, I have good news and strange news. I think I'll save the strange for last.  So yesterday I go to the doctor and they weigh me and I said oh no! The nurse looked at me and said "what's wrong? Did you gain weight?" I said, "no! I lost 8 more pounds this week they're gonna make me come back to the hospital!"
Well, they didn't make me come back but they did arrange for my GI doctor to see me this week so we can figure out why I'm throwing up all the time.
The doctor gave me great news, they did a bone marrow biopsy last week and they results showed no sign of abnormal cells or my disease. Of course they have no idea if this is permanent so they want to do a low dose of a kinda chemo. It won't make me lose my hair (that really isn't growing back in too well) but it might cause nausea.
So I got new jeans today, grabbed a size 3 sizes smaller than what I bought a year ago. 2 sizes smaller than what I wore in January I looked at them and said these are too small there is no way they'll fit. And they not only fit... they're loose.
So, the strange news... as most of you know, my brother donated the stem cells for my bone marrow transplant so, I basically have his blood in my body.  All my own has probably died out or joined with his.  So, if you were to run my blood to learn about me I have xy chromosomes, I would appear like a man. But if you check skin, hair, anywhere else I'm  still xx.
Kinda creepy to think about. Lol am not half man?

OK, one last thing. I want to know what people do that always draws them closer to their father in heaven?

Alone

I've been thinking a lot about me getting sick.  I have so much love and support I'm surprised since I've done nothing to deserve it.  I'm never alone I always have help anytime I ask for it.  But I am alone too, no one could possibly understand what I felt or went through.
I remember laying in bed dreaming that there was someone else there and when I got sick or in pain I'd take turns with that other person feeling it.  Then I'd wake up and realize it's just me, I'm alone. No one else can do this for me I have to be stronger.  Now I don't think I picked up any extra personalities but I did realize one thing. Someone else does know what I felt. He knows when I'm worried, sad, afraid of dying, he knew everything I went through and probably did take turns with me feeling the pain.
I had my Palm read once and there is a break in my life line and my fate line. When I asked what that meant he said something big will happen to you that will change the way you live.  Maybe this is it. Maybe I will learn better to accept help and live worthy of help. Maybe I'll be able to pay it all forward and return a fraction of the love people have shown me. Most of all maybe I'll have a better relationship with my father in heaven.

oops

I promised a story so here is a funny one, (Although a bit gross too) just brush that off and laugh.
So the nurses told me a story of this poor girl who needed to go to the bathroom, so she grabbed her IV pole and pulled it in. Well, at the door there's a bump you have to pull the pole over. So she pulled and somehow the pole tilted enough that it fell over she tried to pick it up but being so weak from chemo and being sick she couldn't and in her panic she lost control over her bowels and bladder and lost everything onto the floor.
Now, any normal person would've stood there or walked slowly to the call button but this girl decided to run to the toilet just in case she could save some dignity and make some of it in the right place.  She slipped, that's right slipped and fell in her own mess. Luckily, she could reach the cord to call the nurse for help.
Now, as you might have guessed, that girl, was sadly, me and as I showered off the mess and embarrassment I actually laughed.
I think we have moments like that to remind us to laugh, even if we're sick and can't get off the floor by ourselves, laugh. It's healing.

"Humor reduces stress, fear, intimidation, embarrassment, and anger.  Laughter also has extraordinary healing power. When a person laughs, blood pressure decreases, heart rate and respiration increase, the body releases endorphins, and depression declines. After the laughter subsides and you relax again, that good feeling has a lasting effect, even until the next day. Not many medicines will do that."
~Gary K. Palmer

Coming Back

So, some have been wondering about me and thanks to my mom some know. I kinda feel like I fell off earth for awhile.  I've been sick. I have stories, some funny and I'll tell them too. But for now, I'm ok, I hope to get out of the hospital next week (pray for that) and I love you all.

up all night.

I just spent a night awake besides two cat naps. I'm not sure why I couldn't sleep but the nurse this morning said probably the steroids we give you with this chemo.  Also with this chemo they keep the water pumping and I pee every hour. But hey, I had nothing better to do last night.
I'm still bored most of the day and I'm ready too do my bathroom in private and be at home but I guess I gotta finish this work I started. Transplant minus 3 days!

I've got no hair to hold me down.

I know why no one really talks about chemo.  It's an ugly emotional journey.  If you're not sick you're scared to death of being sick sometimes you just want to always sleep and sometimes you want to sleep and can't.  Throwing up seems so normal to me that I can't really say chemo has made it bad.  I have been far worse at home.   Of course, there is the thing about losing all my hair.  Yesterday I washed it, let it air dry then started running my straightener through it.  Well, by the time i finished one row, half the hair was on my lap so I quit.  The nurse took the clippers and its all gone.  I didn't want to make something of it.   Watching it slowly fall out would've been worse.
I was reminded by a good friend that sometimes great people saying the things that don't really help me are just prayers.  Maybe not the right thing to say but meant in the best way.
I have so many people praying and hoping for me I feel spoiled.  Through this journey i've never meant to hurt anyone who may have said something I didn't like.  I hope I didn't hurt anyone.  I've never cried so much or been so afraid, I've never done anything this hard in my whole life.  And I know I couldn't do it without all the support I have from family, friends and my Father in Heaven.
Thank you for all the little prayers and words of strength!

Vacation Over

So my dad came up the stairs yesterday and said, "so, you ready to go?"  I said, "Well, I'm feeling good today so I thought we'd just skip it."  But here I am at LDS hospital.
This morning when the nurse came in with a blue gown on and two pairs of gloves and a mask, I didn't think much of it.  She hung my bag of chemo, plugged it into my heart and walked out.  Two hours later when the bag came down she gathered all the gowns and gloves and masks and chemo bag and put them all in a bag and threw them away.  You know why?  In case they got a drop of the poison they just pumped into my heart, got on them.
So far nothing bad has really happened besides a couple emotional tears and a bad taste in my mouth.  I haven't thrown up or had uncontrollable stomach problems,  I haven't even lost my hair yet.  All I can say is, so far, so good.   Just mostly boring.  I'm sure there are bad days to come though.

Who Do VooDoo?

It's nearly 1 AM and I was just laying in bed, last night I spent in the hospital, and for some reason I started to cry.  People go through so many rough times in their lives.  People go to bed hungry or they're not sure how they'll feed their kids, people are heartbroken or separated from loved ones.  People are sick, some worse than me.
I really hope I'm not the only one who's ever asked, "why me?"  So I figured it out.  I came up with my story.  I had a dream one night (just a story dream not a real one) and in this dream I was looking at a doll made out of all my lost hair.  I couldn't see who was playing with the doll but I knew the doll was me.  And it was quite rude cause the doll was chubby and even before I lost all my weight I never thought I looked that bad.  I mean this doll had enough chins for 10 people.  So I woke up and shook off the very stupid dream and went about my day.
Now, I've been known to be pretty blunt in my life.  I say things I shouldn't say all the time and half the time I don't even think about who I might have offended.  But I never in a million years someone would make a voodoo doll and poison my blood just to get back at me.... but that's what's happened, cause no way could my mind comprehend any other reason for this, than that...
Cancer is something that happens to other people, people you know, but not to you.  And they don't talk about laying in bed at 1 AM crying just because they know even they can't sleep off the tired that they ALWAYS feel.  You can sleep off the millions of pills you take daily just to keep your body working enough so that it can function.  People don't talk about it cause they shouldn't.  It's better to stay positive.  The thing is, I've never been the type to keep my mouth shut.
I'm grateful I'm home tonight, even if I only have a few more days at home before my very long hospital stay.  I'm so so so grateful for my family and their concern and love and all their help.  And my brother, he's taking a leave of absence from work, to save my life.  Thank you Eric, Thank you so much in so many ways I can't even say, thank you.  And if anyone doubts how cool my family really is, everyone who got the news that they didn't match, was sad about it.  My parents, aunts, uncles, friends who all said they'd be tested, I'm not sure I deserve all you, but thank you.
If anyone doubts if I will really fight or not, don't worry.  I pick my battles but I do battle well.  Cancer sucks, but I'm not so nice when I want to be either.
oh.... and whoever has the voodoo doll..... would you make good things happen for me now if I said I'm sorry?

"Never assume that you can make it alone.  You need the help of the Lord.  Never hesitate to get on your knees in some private place and speak with him."
Gordon B Hinckley

Finding My Match

Conversation between my donor and I....
Me:  "I might get your stem cells in me and pick up all your crazy personality traits."
My Donor:  "Crazy?  You might experience some side effects of brief unimaginable awesomeness every so often if you get any of my traits."
So, for those of you who know my family.... which sibling is it?  Not hard to guess huh?  My brother Eric.  Of all my siblings I though would match me, for some reason, I didn't think him.  I guess I should've been a lot nicer to him growing up huh?  Maybe I shouldn't have accidentally broken his arm.  But, he was a fun play mate as a kid and I loved his Christmas gifts every year so I usually helped him play with them.  The laser tag set was my favorite.
So, Eric will save my life.  Later I'll joke about how having his immune system I can now blame him every time I get sick.  I'm sure we'll find many other jokes too but for now, Just thank you.  For your time, for your blood, for love, for being willing to do this for me.  Thank you Eric.  In case I don't tell you often enough, I love you.

I'm afraid.  I don't know how to explain it and all the "you're strong" and "you have so much support," although I love hearing those, they don't really help.  I'm scared.  I'm afraid of being sick, of chemo, I'm afraid of being weak, or losing my hair, and I'm afraid that it will go wrong.  And for some reason, I can't shake it.  I know so many who have been through worse, who are sick for years and years, who have more chemo and I want to ask them, when did they stop being afraid?

John 14:27  Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you:  not as the world giveth give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Poor Poor Pickles

My parents have a dog, named Pickles.  She was limping around and since we love that stupid thing so much, they took her to the vet.  Well, she came home all bandaged up, the top of her paw shaved off and hopefully whatever they think is stuck in there will come out.  The thing is, the poor dog is bothered so much by that foot all she does is lick it, she's torn off every bandage they've put on and now she just licks the skin.  I know what it's like, at least for me, to have something just never quite right.  Even on my good days I never really feel good.  I've forgotten what it feels like to feel normal.  Unlike Pickles, however, no one yells at me when I lick my wounds.

I went shopping yesterday to buy more yoga pants, or pants I can wear in the hospital.  I didn't think my 3 pair would do very well since laundry would be limited and I would rather not wear hospital clothes for 2 to 12 weeks.  For the first time in a very long time, I fit into a Large.... Not and XL but a Large.  I'm not sure I remember the last time I wore large anything.  I've always been a bigger girl, even when I'm thin I'm big.  According to my mom's scale I've lost 49 LBS since January.  Which, probably means it's closer to 45 since her scale is off.

So, to change the subject a big let's talk about this bone marrow donor thing.  Say you got a kidney transplant, when it doesn't "take" your immune system looks at that kidney and says hey, that is foreign, and your body attacks it.  Well, in my case, I'm getting a whole new immune system.  So what happens when that new immune system looks at my body and says, hey, that's foreign?  It's called, Graft-Versus-Host Disease, or GVHD.  This is what scares me, more than the hospital, more than the chemo, more than losing my hair.... These four little letters, GVHD.  I don't want my body to reject itself.  I don't want to be sick for a year while it gets use to something new.  They will put me on immune suppressants which stops your immune system from fighting, so it doesn't fight your body, but that also means, it doesn't fight anything else either.

There are two for sure things I've learned in my life about trials though.  1.  NEVER say it can't get worse than this.  and 2.  You never know what you can go through until you have to go through it.  So, that's it, one day at a time, one infection at a time.  I will take my good days that are never quite right until they are all good again!  I think maybe Pickles will get better before I do, but for now, I'll worry about her.  It's so annoying to have something not right with your body.

"There may be times when we have been hurt, when we are tired, when our lives seem dark and cold.  There may be times that we cannot see any light on the horizon, and we may feel like giving up.  If we are willing to believe, if we desire to believe, if we choose to believe than the Savior's teachings and example will show us the pathway forward."
~ L. Whitney Clayton

Preparing for my Transplant

As luck would have it, the 1st out of 2 tests they run to find me a match turned up 100% match from one of my siblings.  She said, usually the 2nd test runs a 99% chance that it will be a 100% match too.  I don't know which sibling it is, she wouldn't tell me.  I do know all my siblings are willing.  Everyone says, "of course they are." or "that's what family does." and if the tables were turned I would do it too, without a 2nd thought.  I don't think anyone knows though, exactly what it means to me.  For them it's 8 hours in a hospital bed having blood cycled out of their body taking stem cells before having it go back into their body, boring mostly.  Unless of course they get dizzy or cold or some weird side effect one might get while having their blood messed with for 4 hours a day.  To me, it's being able to eat and not get nauseous. To me it's walking up the stairs or showering without feeling winded.  To me it's not getting sick all the time.  To me, their blood is life, a new chance.  So while most are saying this is no big deal.... to me, it's everything.
I went to the doctor yesterday and my dad, Who always wants the best for me, says, "she's a little depressed."  I'm not entirely sure he's not right, I cry a lot and I'm sad.  I'd do anything to not have this happen to me, and I know other people have it worse.  I also know this is above any limit I think I could ever handle alone.  So, now I'm on anti depressants.  I'm not sure they've really changed me much.  I still feel pretty much the same although maybe not quite so sleepy.
Tomorrow I have another appointment.  Before I get chemo they run all kinds of tests.  They make sure you're heart, lungs, teeth, bones and even OBGYN checkup is all done.  So, besides your blood they make sure you are about as healthy as can be, before they go in and start killing you.
Now, I understand why they do this, if my heart is healthy it has less of a chance of just dying on me while I'm being giving drugs killing my body.  They don't want me to get teeth infections or all the other things I COULD get with no immune system.

Alma 26:12
Yea, I know that i am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will no boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

Let's Talk Chemo

Chemotherapy (often abbreviated to chemo and sometimes CTX or CTx) is a category of cancer treatment that uses chemical substances, especially one or more anti-cancer drugs (chemotherapy agents) that are given as part of standardized chemotherapy regimen.

So, that definition, sucks.  Perhaps a better one (the one my doctor gave me)  is:  The ability of chemotherapy and/or radiation to kill cancer cells depends on its ability to halt cell division.  Usually, the drugs work by damaging the RNA or DNA that tells the cell how to copy itself in division.  If the cells are unable to divide, they die.  The faster the cells are dividing, the more likely it is that chemotherapy will kill the cells, causing the tumor to shrink.

Although in my case, there is no tumor, my blood is just broken.  As you can imagine, chemotherapy also halts good cells from dividing.  So, why did my blood just decide to malfunction?  According to the doctor, you can be the best driver in the world and still get hit by another driver.  So, I'm just lucky. To make myself more lucky, I got a disease that usually happens to men over the age of 50.  I don't know how or why I got sick.  I am constantly working through the 5 stages of grief, there is a lot of bargaining going on, as you can imagine.  "Get down on your knees and pray. Say, 'I'll do whatever you want God just let me have my way.'"  ~Jewel  There's also a lot of tears, anger, denial.  In fact, this morning I didn't take my usual handful of pills, hoping that it wouldn't cause the usual nausea and vomiting.  No such luck though, my stomach is still angry with me.

So, the reason I say I have leukemia, even though technically I don't have enough blast cells, or cancer cells for it to be considered leukemia, is that I still get to have chemotherapy.  They don't leave me out of that fun.  Although, I don't have to go through as much as some. I also get a bone marrow transplant.  So, my treatment will consist of two types of chemotherapy.

Busulfan (Myleran)
Busulfan will be administered four times a day.  Busulfan will suppress your bone marrow and destroy cancer cells.  It has been associated with seizures, although this is uncommon.  In order to prevent this risk of seizures you will be given a drug called levetivacetam (Keppra) for the time you are taking busulfan.
Side effects from busulfan include:  thinned or brittle hair, darkened and dry skin, loss of appetite or weight, diarrhea, mouth blistering and fatigue.  A long term side effect of busulfan called, pulmonary fibrosis is rare.  This medication has also be associated with increased risk of developing other cancers in the future.

Cyclophosphamide (Cytoxan)
The most common side effect of cyclophosphamide is a decrease in the number of blood cells, with associated risks of infection, bleeding and red blood cell count.  While being treated with cyclophosphamide, drink plenty of fluids because this drug can irritate your kidneys and bladder and create a condition called hemorrhagic cystitis (bleeding in the bladder).  You will be given another medication called Mesna to help protect your bladder from the harmful effects of the cyclophosphamide along with large volumes of fluid.  You will notice the need to empty your bladder frequently during this time.
Cyclophosphamide can also cause changes in fingernails and toenails.  You may notice discoloration or lines and ridges.  Cyclophosphamide rarely causes damage to the heart muscle.  This is an unpredictable problem that may range from irregular heart rhythm to death.
Common side effects from cyclophosphamide include:  nausea, vomiting, thinned or brittle hair, darkened and thickened skin, blistering skin or acne, loss of appetite or weight, blistering mouth sores, and fatigue.

So there it is, six days, one day short of a week from hell.  One week of my life I'd rather die than live.  Just for the record, I don't plan on dying!!!!  I not only plan on making it through this but I will be cured!!!!   I might be bald and slightly thinner and look different but I WILL get through this!  Thanks to Kim Brown (a great friend of mine) I even have a great hair cut until I lose all mine.  She even came to the hospital to cut it!  A kindness I can't repay!

After this week from hell they send in the "rescue" cells.  The cells taken (hopefully) from one of my siblings to help my now near dead body.  You'd think that after that, your body would say "OH THANK YOU!!!" and you'd get on with your life, right?  Not quite.  Next entry I'll tell you about recovery.

As always I'll leave you with a quote:
"There will always be things to complain about-things that don't seem to go quite right.  You can spend your days feeling sad, alone, misunderstood or unwanted.  But that isn't the journey you had hoped for, and it isn't the journey Heavenly Father sent you to take.  Remember, you are truly a daughter of God!
"With this in mind, I invite you to walk confindently and joyfully.  Yes, the road has bumps and detours and even some hazards.  But don't focus on them.  Look for happiness your Father in Heaven has prepared for you in every step of your journey.  Happiness is the destination, but it's also the path. 'Peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come' is what He promises.  That is why he commands us to 'be of good cheer.'"
~Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I'm grateful

In this blog I'm going to tell you a little about what it's been like being sick but mostly about the fact that I have, by far, the best friends and family anyone could ever have.  I actually feel kinda sorry for everyone else. :)
My next entry I'll talk about what my treatment will be and tell you about recovery, maybe I can joke about it a little then.
Halfway through my hospital stay in Brampton I was laying in bed after 2 days without tests and still no idea what was wrong. I felt fine (of course I was getting drugs right to the vein.)  So I asked the doctor if I could leave, any other tests I could come in for.  Being a good caring doctor he set up a test for the next day then let me go. I was happy to be home for the night and to have my own bed.  The next morning my friend Brooke came (way out of her way) to take me to get my test.  When I got home, I threw up.  Later that night my husband, who has never had to care for anyone in his life, and me who doesn't like to ask for help, sat home.  He went up to get food and then he ate.  He didn't get me anything.  I was so weak and by the time I finished cooking I was too sick to eat. Within a day and a half I was back in the hospital, weak and unable to hold anything down.  This time I had a doctor come and say I'm going to get some answers. So he took my bone marrow.  We of course already know what that turned up.  But that's not what entry is for.
You see, I have amazing people in my life. People who would never admit to doing anything great but always did.  Betty Walling took me home with her when I left the hospital.  She cooked for me did my laundry made sure I could get up, and started walking with me when I could and helped me in and out of bed when my spleen and shoulder hurt so bad I could barely move.  She constantly drove me to and from the hospital and even after I left her house did more than I could ever repay.
Brooke became like a sister, she was there to talk to and she took me to church.  I never felt alone with her around.
Karla, sat with me at the hospital.  Just like my mom would've, didn't care if I wanted to sleep or if I wanted to talk. She would work on making her beautiful blankets and just be there.  Between Betty, Brooke and Karla I was never alone at the hospital even when my in laws and husband were at work.
There was also Ekam, who always sent me uplifting thoughts, quotes and scriptures and forever kept a smile on my face.
Before any of this happened though I had sister missionaries who brought back my spirit and reminded me how great the LDS church is and reminded me of why I pray. Then of course my constant family member, who has never left my side and helps me every step of the way, my father in heaven.  I'm so lucky I grew up in a family where faith and religion was important and I'm so happy for the examples of my family and friends.  So for all those sister missionaries who gave up two years of their life ... thank you.
I'm forever grateful for my in laws. Who NEVER made me feel like I didn't belong.  Who helped me when I got sick instead of making me feel like a burden. My mom who I miss so much was always so kind to me and helped me.  My dad who gave me his pain pills when I ran out and who always made me laugh. My nan and pop and all my aunts and uncles even my very quiet brother in law, I love and miss very much.
Then I came home to my family and friends in Utah.  My friends have all made me feel loved and supported.  Jessica (is home on vacation too) so I got to see her when I needed her.  KD who has been through so much herself told me even she use to cry and made me feel a little less studpid.  Sometimes I can't help it. I'm so sick of being sick. I know there are people who have it worse,  but this is sometimes more than I think I can take. I throw up too much and I'm so tired all the time.  In fact, I'm getting blood right now cause I'm low again.  My friends text me often to see how I am.  Take me to lunch, and spend time listening to me complain.
Cathy made me soup and I honestly think she should stay in Utah and just be my nurse for the next few months instead of taking that amazing job in AZ.
My parents,  what can I say?  They don't complain about cooking for me or cleaning for me or doing my laundry.  They've never complained about having to drive me to the hospital.  The only thing they ever do is tell me they love me and they're glad I'm home.
I have 4 siblings.  One of them will quite possibly save my life. All of them are standing in line though.   Not thinking about their work or their own stuff...  they've all been tested to see if they're a match for my bone marrow.  This is something I can't repay and thank you doesn't seem enough.
That leaves my husband.  My best friend in the whole world, the one who when he says, "it'll be alright." I believe.  He gets me water with lots of ice when he sees I don't have it. He never complains about being asked to do something. He's helped me off the bathroom floor when the shower took all my energy and he's been there with me through all of this.  He's even moving to the states to be with me.  He's taught me to ask for help because he's always been happy to help.  He's even learned to be a better caregiver than I think I could be.
I love him. All the way to the moon, and back.  I miss him so much right now. He is the reason I try.  He's the best thing that's ever happened to me and he also why I feel so sorry for every other woman in the world because there is only 1 Matt.
Today I also found out that my medicaid has been approved.  Even though that is good news and the doctors will be happy, I don't feel relief.  I'm now afraid of how sick I will become when the treatment starts.  I have to tell myself that people get through this, so can I.  Being sick for a year isn't the worst thing that can happen to me (although it feels like it).
So, leaving you with a quote again:
"Happiness doesn't come from external circumstances.  It comes from the inside -regardless of what is happening around us."
~Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Meeting Leuk

My name is Ruth.  As you can tell from my title I have Leukemia.  Actually, I have MDS, but if anyone tries to tell me it's NOT leukemia, I will kick their ass until they can't sit anymore.

I don't know why I decided to write this.  Probably something to do to fill my days and not become depressed.  Although I sometimes think I am depressed.  I've never really written in my life and this may turn out to be a big boring mistake.   

It is now mid July of 2015.  This adventure started while I was living in Brampton, ON in January.  I told my husband I had stomach pains and needed to see a doctor.  12 hours in the ER told us that I had an enlarged spleen and infarts (places on the spleen that were dying.)  The doctor said I would need extensive tests to find out why but all he did was send me home with pain pills.  I, of course, didn't have a doctor up there, so as I started to feel better I figured it was just a thing.  Nothing big.  Although, while at the hospital I got a blessing and in the blessing they said as I put my faith and trust in the Lord I will be cured from this.  (If you'd like to know what "blessing" means check out WWW.LDS.ORG)  This was my first clue that something might not be right.  

In April I was up all night throwing up and now the right side of my abdomen was hurting, so back to the hospital and this time I was admitted where they ran EVERY kind of test they could and finally ended with a bone marrow biopsy.  Since everyone wonders, YES it does hurt.  The drilling is annoying but it's when they suck out the marrow that sends shocks down your leg that makes you want to jump off the table.  I can say however the Doctor at LDS hospital did it SOOOO much better and it hardly hurt at all.  

Well, results came back I have MDS or "pre-cancer." They referred me to a cancer hospital in Toronto. I waited and waited for a call and still after 2 months  they never called me.  I returned to the hospital twice and both time heard "you NEED to get treated, this will get worse."  So, I came to Utah where I have received more care, attention and love in 2 weeks than I did in 5 months in Canada.  I don't like Canada's health system.  

So, my next entry I'll write about what's going on, how I'll be treated, what I've learned and of course.... how much I've cried.  

You know those people who are going through cancer and just seem happy all the time?  So far, that's not me.  I'm still looking for that hope to pop up.  I'm waiting to feel my heavenly father's love so strong that no matter what happens, I know I will be ok.  

So I will leave you with a quote:

"Don't be gloomy.  Do not dwell on unkind things.  Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight.  Even if you are not happy, put a smile on your face. 'Accentuate the positive.'  Look a little deeper for the good.  Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in your heart.  Love life."

~Gordon B Hinckley