I just spent a night awake besides two cat naps. I'm not sure why I couldn't sleep but the nurse this morning said probably the steroids we give you with this chemo. Also with this chemo they keep the water pumping and I pee every hour. But hey, I had nothing better to do last night.
I'm still bored most of the day and I'm ready too do my bathroom in private and be at home but I guess I gotta finish this work I started. Transplant minus 3 days!
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Friday, August 14, 2015
I've got no hair to hold me down.
I know why no one really talks about chemo. It's an ugly emotional journey. If you're not sick you're scared to death of being sick sometimes you just want to always sleep and sometimes you want to sleep and can't. Throwing up seems so normal to me that I can't really say chemo has made it bad. I have been far worse at home. Of course, there is the thing about losing all my hair. Yesterday I washed it, let it air dry then started running my straightener through it. Well, by the time i finished one row, half the hair was on my lap so I quit. The nurse took the clippers and its all gone. I didn't want to make something of it. Watching it slowly fall out would've been worse.
I was reminded by a good friend that sometimes great people saying the things that don't really help me are just prayers. Maybe not the right thing to say but meant in the best way.
I have so many people praying and hoping for me I feel spoiled. Through this journey i've never meant to hurt anyone who may have said something I didn't like. I hope I didn't hurt anyone. I've never cried so much or been so afraid, I've never done anything this hard in my whole life. And I know I couldn't do it without all the support I have from family, friends and my Father in Heaven.
Thank you for all the little prayers and words of strength!
I was reminded by a good friend that sometimes great people saying the things that don't really help me are just prayers. Maybe not the right thing to say but meant in the best way.
I have so many people praying and hoping for me I feel spoiled. Through this journey i've never meant to hurt anyone who may have said something I didn't like. I hope I didn't hurt anyone. I've never cried so much or been so afraid, I've never done anything this hard in my whole life. And I know I couldn't do it without all the support I have from family, friends and my Father in Heaven.
Thank you for all the little prayers and words of strength!
Monday, August 10, 2015
Vacation Over
So my dad came up the stairs yesterday and said, "so, you ready to go?" I said, "Well, I'm feeling good today so I thought we'd just skip it." But here I am at LDS hospital.
This morning when the nurse came in with a blue gown on and two pairs of gloves and a mask, I didn't think much of it. She hung my bag of chemo, plugged it into my heart and walked out. Two hours later when the bag came down she gathered all the gowns and gloves and masks and chemo bag and put them all in a bag and threw them away. You know why? In case they got a drop of the poison they just pumped into my heart, got on them.
So far nothing bad has really happened besides a couple emotional tears and a bad taste in my mouth. I haven't thrown up or had uncontrollable stomach problems, I haven't even lost my hair yet. All I can say is, so far, so good. Just mostly boring. I'm sure there are bad days to come though.
This morning when the nurse came in with a blue gown on and two pairs of gloves and a mask, I didn't think much of it. She hung my bag of chemo, plugged it into my heart and walked out. Two hours later when the bag came down she gathered all the gowns and gloves and masks and chemo bag and put them all in a bag and threw them away. You know why? In case they got a drop of the poison they just pumped into my heart, got on them.
So far nothing bad has really happened besides a couple emotional tears and a bad taste in my mouth. I haven't thrown up or had uncontrollable stomach problems, I haven't even lost my hair yet. All I can say is, so far, so good. Just mostly boring. I'm sure there are bad days to come though.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Who Do VooDoo?
It's nearly 1 AM and I was just laying in bed, last night I spent in the hospital, and for some reason I started to cry. People go through so many rough times in their lives. People go to bed hungry or they're not sure how they'll feed their kids, people are heartbroken or separated from loved ones. People are sick, some worse than me.
I really hope I'm not the only one who's ever asked, "why me?" So I figured it out. I came up with my story. I had a dream one night (just a story dream not a real one) and in this dream I was looking at a doll made out of all my lost hair. I couldn't see who was playing with the doll but I knew the doll was me. And it was quite rude cause the doll was chubby and even before I lost all my weight I never thought I looked that bad. I mean this doll had enough chins for 10 people. So I woke up and shook off the very stupid dream and went about my day.
Now, I've been known to be pretty blunt in my life. I say things I shouldn't say all the time and half the time I don't even think about who I might have offended. But I never in a million years someone would make a voodoo doll and poison my blood just to get back at me.... but that's what's happened, cause no way could my mind comprehend any other reason for this, than that...
Cancer is something that happens to other people, people you know, but not to you. And they don't talk about laying in bed at 1 AM crying just because they know even they can't sleep off the tired that they ALWAYS feel. You can sleep off the millions of pills you take daily just to keep your body working enough so that it can function. People don't talk about it cause they shouldn't. It's better to stay positive. The thing is, I've never been the type to keep my mouth shut.
I'm grateful I'm home tonight, even if I only have a few more days at home before my very long hospital stay. I'm so so so grateful for my family and their concern and love and all their help. And my brother, he's taking a leave of absence from work, to save my life. Thank you Eric, Thank you so much in so many ways I can't even say, thank you. And if anyone doubts how cool my family really is, everyone who got the news that they didn't match, was sad about it. My parents, aunts, uncles, friends who all said they'd be tested, I'm not sure I deserve all you, but thank you.
If anyone doubts if I will really fight or not, don't worry. I pick my battles but I do battle well. Cancer sucks, but I'm not so nice when I want to be either.
oh.... and whoever has the voodoo doll..... would you make good things happen for me now if I said I'm sorry?
"Never assume that you can make it alone. You need the help of the Lord. Never hesitate to get on your knees in some private place and speak with him."
Gordon B Hinckley
I really hope I'm not the only one who's ever asked, "why me?" So I figured it out. I came up with my story. I had a dream one night (just a story dream not a real one) and in this dream I was looking at a doll made out of all my lost hair. I couldn't see who was playing with the doll but I knew the doll was me. And it was quite rude cause the doll was chubby and even before I lost all my weight I never thought I looked that bad. I mean this doll had enough chins for 10 people. So I woke up and shook off the very stupid dream and went about my day.
Now, I've been known to be pretty blunt in my life. I say things I shouldn't say all the time and half the time I don't even think about who I might have offended. But I never in a million years someone would make a voodoo doll and poison my blood just to get back at me.... but that's what's happened, cause no way could my mind comprehend any other reason for this, than that...
Cancer is something that happens to other people, people you know, but not to you. And they don't talk about laying in bed at 1 AM crying just because they know even they can't sleep off the tired that they ALWAYS feel. You can sleep off the millions of pills you take daily just to keep your body working enough so that it can function. People don't talk about it cause they shouldn't. It's better to stay positive. The thing is, I've never been the type to keep my mouth shut.
I'm grateful I'm home tonight, even if I only have a few more days at home before my very long hospital stay. I'm so so so grateful for my family and their concern and love and all their help. And my brother, he's taking a leave of absence from work, to save my life. Thank you Eric, Thank you so much in so many ways I can't even say, thank you. And if anyone doubts how cool my family really is, everyone who got the news that they didn't match, was sad about it. My parents, aunts, uncles, friends who all said they'd be tested, I'm not sure I deserve all you, but thank you.
If anyone doubts if I will really fight or not, don't worry. I pick my battles but I do battle well. Cancer sucks, but I'm not so nice when I want to be either.
oh.... and whoever has the voodoo doll..... would you make good things happen for me now if I said I'm sorry?
"Never assume that you can make it alone. You need the help of the Lord. Never hesitate to get on your knees in some private place and speak with him."
Gordon B Hinckley
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