It's nearly 1 AM and I was just laying in bed, last night I spent in the hospital, and for some reason I started to cry. People go through so many rough times in their lives. People go to bed hungry or they're not sure how they'll feed their kids, people are heartbroken or separated from loved ones. People are sick, some worse than me.
I really hope I'm not the only one who's ever asked, "why me?" So I figured it out. I came up with my story. I had a dream one night (just a story dream not a real one) and in this dream I was looking at a doll made out of all my lost hair. I couldn't see who was playing with the doll but I knew the doll was me. And it was quite rude cause the doll was chubby and even before I lost all my weight I never thought I looked that bad. I mean this doll had enough chins for 10 people. So I woke up and shook off the very stupid dream and went about my day.
Now, I've been known to be pretty blunt in my life. I say things I shouldn't say all the time and half the time I don't even think about who I might have offended. But I never in a million years someone would make a voodoo doll and poison my blood just to get back at me.... but that's what's happened, cause no way could my mind comprehend any other reason for this, than that...
Cancer is something that happens to other people, people you know, but not to you. And they don't talk about laying in bed at 1 AM crying just because they know even they can't sleep off the tired that they ALWAYS feel. You can sleep off the millions of pills you take daily just to keep your body working enough so that it can function. People don't talk about it cause they shouldn't. It's better to stay positive. The thing is, I've never been the type to keep my mouth shut.
I'm grateful I'm home tonight, even if I only have a few more days at home before my very long hospital stay. I'm so so so grateful for my family and their concern and love and all their help. And my brother, he's taking a leave of absence from work, to save my life. Thank you Eric, Thank you so much in so many ways I can't even say, thank you. And if anyone doubts how cool my family really is, everyone who got the news that they didn't match, was sad about it. My parents, aunts, uncles, friends who all said they'd be tested, I'm not sure I deserve all you, but thank you.
If anyone doubts if I will really fight or not, don't worry. I pick my battles but I do battle well. Cancer sucks, but I'm not so nice when I want to be either.
oh.... and whoever has the voodoo doll..... would you make good things happen for me now if I said I'm sorry?
"Never assume that you can make it alone. You need the help of the Lord. Never hesitate to get on your knees in some private place and speak with him."
Gordon B Hinckley
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